It was 6 yrs ago today that I my life changed in ways I will never fully come to understand. While those around me celebrated, their dreams coming true, my world was shattering.
Tucked away at the end of the hall, was a single postcard on a door. This single postcard let those that would pass this door know that there would not be a joyous celebration to be had. Instead, the room would remain silent and somber. A reminder to all that entered the room that there was nothing left to do. The outcome would remain the same regardless of all the prayers said and the tears shed.
One Dec 22, 2006, I had a prenatal check up and ultrasound to see how my pregnancy was progressing. I was considered a VERY high risk pregnancy. We were having a boy. Excitement was in the air. I was surprising my Mother In Law by taking her to “meet” her 3rd grandson (our first son). I surprised her alright! Just not the way I had intended. There was no heartbeat. After 3 doctors could not find what had been so strong just the week before, I was sent for a special kind of ultrasound that would check for movement and the blood flow going to the baby as well as hear the heartbeat, even if it was weak. There was no movement, no sound. The phone call to my husband is one I NEVER want to have to make again. I was admitted into the hospital to induce labor immediately.
On December 24, 2006, at 10:42 AM, after 2 days of labor, I delivered my beautiful baby boy, Kaydn Walker, in a SILENT room. You could actually hear people breathing, it was that silent! He weighted 12 oz (the same weight as a can of Coke) and was 10 1/2″ long. He arrived in the world with his middle finger sticking up (Flipping off the world.) Don’t worry, I will save you from seeing pics of him.
On December 25, I passed a blood clot into my lung as my daughters were opening presents. I felt it knock the air out of my lungs. I contacted my doctors office and saw the doctor on call the next morning. They told me I was too young to pass a clot and I was fine. Something kept gnawing at me. I knew I was not fine. I called my OBGYN and told them I thought I passed a blood clot and my PCP’s (Primary Care Physician) office was not taking me seriously. They sent me straight to the hospital where it was confirmed that I had indeed passed hundreds of blood clots. I got a weeks stay in the hospital. I was diagnosed with a Double or Compound MTHFR Factor. A rare blood clotting disorder. In other words, I produce an unbelievable amount of clots when my body is stressed (pregnancies and surgery, car accidents, broken bones, etc). I spent the next year in a fog of emotion and deep depression. I walked away from my religion. I was so angry.
I had been to specialist after specialist. All said the same thing. I was so lucky to be alive. I had passed hundreds of blood clots while pregnant. One lodging in the umbilical cord. I was told that had I have gone full term, I would not have survived the birth.
I soon realized that I could not continue to live my life the way I was. I needed to look at my life differently. Count my blessings, not dwell on the loss of my son. I was not honoring him by doing this.
Here is a letter to my son….
My Dearest Baby Boy,
You would be 6 years old today. Your oldest sister and I cuddled in my bed this morning imagining all the things about you we could. What you would have been like? What you would have loved and hated?
I wonder what your voice would have sounded like. The touch of your skin. Your smell. Would your hair have been curly or wavy like your sisters? Would it be long or cut short? Mohawk…I am thinking it would probably be in a Mohawk to be honest. What would your favorite color be? What would your big boy room look like? What would your favorite book be? What would your favorite stuffed animal be? Oh my list could go on forever.
Instead, I want to thank you for everything I do know.
I want to thank you for my life. You gave me a second chance to be a better mother, wife, friend, and person. How many people get that chance? I mean seriously. A do over!
You gave me a chance to be pregnant again and to deliver your little sister. Because of you I am able to be here and watch her grow. I get to help her explore and navigate the world around her. Watch her do new things, and show no fear!
I got to watch your oldest sister graduate high school a year early with high honors at 16 years old. She wore my prom dress to her Senior Prom. How freaking cool is that???? She is now a freshman in college taking Pre-Med, majoring in Bio Chemistry at 17 years old….17!!!! She is on her way to being a trauma surgeon.
Let’s not forget your middle sister! I get to homeschool her. Watching her interests develop. She is such a girly girl. I LOVE IT! She wants to be an artist and an art teacher so far. It will be incredible to see if she still feels this way when she gets older.
I will never know the answers to the questions I have about you. But I can answer the same questions about your sisters. Trust me, I have made sure I can answer the questions. I have been making memories with them that will last a lifetime! I tell them all the time how much I love them.
I want to thank you for all the life lessons you have allowed me to learn. I have fallen in love with cooking again. Gotten healthier than I have ever been despite not being able to exercise the way I want to and I still have a 100 lbs to loose. I even started this blog, thanks to those life lessons I have learned! I hope that it helps others in some way. I have learned to try and go with the flow more and to pick my battles. Walk away when I have to.
Thank you for all you have given me in this life. I know you are with me always in my heart and soul. I will meet you again some day….
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY BOY! I LOVE YOU WILL ALL MY HEART AND SOUL!